Can't Fix Everything

We just passed our third Sunday of Advent. Dylann is having a good time lighting the candles at the dinner table lately. =o) Couldn't find any tapers in the appropriate colors, so we're using votives, but they work! (And they smell good, too!)

This morning I got up at 4:30 to pray the rosary with Mother Angelica on the radio. Unfortunately, she just goes a little too slow for that hour of the morning, so I had to turn it off and finish on my own or else I was going to fall asleep again!

The past couple of weeks have been very challenging. I find myself praying a lot more than I normally do because some days it just seems like it's one thing after another. I know that I'm at my worst and weakest whenever I don't have control over a situation that seems to be spinning out of control and headed for a brick wall at full speed. I am thankful for the friends I have who keep me lifted up and focused in the right direction and don't let me forget that God can perform miracles. If he can create the heavens and earth in six days, he can certainly fix the tiny things in my life!

My main problem is knowing when to let go, when to give these problems to Him and stop trying to fiddle with them on my own. Sometimes my capacity to do something is very limited and, being hard-headed and stubborn like I am, I usually don't want to accept that. I don't always have to be the one with the answers. I don't always have to be the one to pull the drowning man to shore, so to speak. Sometimes I have to let people deal with their own crisis so that it will bring them closer to God. I know that I didn't turn to Him when I felt at my strongest. No, I was at my weakest point, my most vulnerable, and I felt like I had nothing and could DO nothing with my life. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3) For so long I had pushed God away, wanted nothing to do with him, and one day I finally realized that I had NOTHING because I didn't have Him. I was trying to do my own thing and "my own thing" just wasn't working.

So today I'm going to pray that whatever I'm asked to do, I am able to do with a cheerful heart and spirit because God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good. =o)

Be On Your Guard

It has been a while since I've written here, and with good reason - there is so much going on, so much to be said, that I couldn't sort through all of it and figure out what to actually post. ;)

God has really been giving me some wake-up calls lately. It's funny how often we think we are doing the right thing and then we suddenly realize how off-track we truly were! I have been humbled lately, that's for sure, and with good reason. A year ago, I probably wouldn't have realized as quickly what it is that I'm doing wrong, what it is that I'm doing that is offending God. Now I do see it, and it truly hurts when it's all said and done and I realize that I messed up again.

That is where the mercy of God comes in, and I am so grateful for that! He knows we are not perfect, and he doesn't expect us to be. We just have to know when we have done wrong and try to make amends. It does no good to sit there and say, "OK, I was wrong" and then go on our merry way like that's the end of it. If a murderer went up to his victim's family and admitted he did the wrong thing, he doesn't get a handshake and sent on his way. No, there has to be an amendment made in some form. None of us are perfect, God knows this about us even if we refuse to admit it (hehe), but we do have to try our best to live the way He wants us to.

I have been doing a lot of praying (and by a lot, I mean a LOT!) lately and I wish I could tell you how many prayers have been answered in the most unexpected ways! I have learned that God does hear our prayers and that He does answer them in the way that is best for us, which is why I have also learned to be more patient and not expect them to come instantly all the time.

I have also learned that there are those out there who claim to be followers of His word, but prove otherwise in so much that they do. Sometimes I think this is just a sneaky thing on the part of the devil to get us to allow those people into our lives and hearts when there is no (or very little) sincerity in them. They say what you want to hear. They have you figured out from the very start, and they play on that. I am grateful for the strength discernment to know which people are potentially toxic and which people are not. Yes, we are to love all people, but there are some who will put you in a position that compromises your relationship with God, and that isn't something I am willing to do anymore.

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
And do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

Days Like These

Today has been very rough so far but I am determined to put it in God's hands and allow Him to guide whatever happens. I submit myself to His will, whatever that may be. It may not be what I want to happen, but I am praying that He will have mercy on my situation and that everything will work out.

People have said to me that I have so much faith, and that they wished they could have as much as I do, but truth be told, I am just like everyone else. I have days where I am just as afraid and uncertain as the next person. It always reminds me of Mark 4:40 where Jesus said, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" when the disciples feared the stormy sea and for whatever reason didn't have the faith that Jesus could calm the craziness around them. Jesus Christ calms all of the storms in our lives if we truly believe and truly have faith. And, yes, sometimes in all of the earthly trials, I do forget that. I'm ashamed that I forget that and lack the faith some days, but God is merciful even to little goofballs like me.

It is times like these when I feel so badly for those who don't believe in our Father. I wonder who they turn to when things go wrong, who they seek out when their lives are falling apart and they are full of despair. I have been down that road myself years ago and there is nothing worse than feeling empty and broken and having nowhere to turn. Everything seems darker and more desolate when you are alone. The good thing is that God never leaves us. We may turn away from Him, mock Him and deny His existence, but as soon as that lightbulb goes off and we realize how mistaken we are and how contrite we are for what we've done, He is there waiting for us, arms open and ready to bring us into His embrace again. All of us sin in one way or another, even on a day-to-day basis, sometimes without even realizing it until later. I am guilty of this myself, which is why I always try to remember to ask God for His forgiveness in my evening prayers. I am not perfect and not a day goes by in my life where I am sinless. I may try to do good for others, try to do the right things, but even if there is a speck of anger, bitterness, jealousy, etc. in my heart toward another person, that is a sin. Thankfully, God forgives us and loves us anyway! Now if only we could all be that way, huh? ;)

In The Right Direction

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer...

This is something that I'm working on today. The past few days have been a trial in more ways than one. I have lost my bearings on a couple of occasions. I am so thankful that God is so graciouis, so loving and so kind as to help me back to my feet again and point me in the right direction!

Each night before I go to bed, I write down my blessings, things that have made me happy during the day. It really helps me to remember that even though sometimes it seems dark and uncertain, God doesn't withhold the good things! Sometimes we are just so wrapped up in our own issues that we don't see what is right in front of us.

Today will no doubt be a wonderful day and I hope that it brings you many blessings as well! :o)

The Rosary

Those who know me in "real life" and on a daily basis know how important the rosary is to me. It is the first thing I do in the morning, sometimes even before I step foot out of bed. It helps me to focus, to start the day off close to our Lord and our sweet Mother Mary. Typically, I pray a full rosary three times a day; the first for myself, the second for my family (and friends!) and the third for vocation. It takes about twenty minutes each time (unless I'm doing it in Latin, which is sometimes 5-10 minutes longer) and I certainly cannot claim that spending an hour a day in prayer is too much!

The benefits of praying the rosary are so great that I'll only touch on a few of them here. First -- it gives me complete peace. No matter what mood I am in when I pick up those rosary beads, my spirit is instantly lifted as I focus on the prayers. I sometimes grab the rosary beads when I'm angry or upset and just start praying and almost immediately, those bad feelings diminish. Second -- it helps me to know that our Blessed Mother hears those prayers and intercedes for me for all of my intentions if it is God's will that they be granted. Third -- it gives me comfort in times of illness or distress. When my time is spent in prayer, I have less time to spend worrying! Fourth -- it helps me to know that praying the rosary is something that Mary has asked us to do here on earth. To do what our Lord's Mother asks us to do should be an honor for all of us. After all, she was the one who submitted to God's will and gave birth to the One who would save us all -- it's the least we can do!

Of course, there are also the Fifteen Promises for Praying the Rosary (straight from Mary herself!): 1) Whosoever shall faithfully serve me by the recitation of the Rosary shall receive signal graces. 2) I promise my special protection and the greatest graces to all those who shall recite the Rosary. 3) The Rosary shall be a powerful armor against hell, it will destroy vice, decrease sin and defeat heresies. 4) It will cause good works to flourish; it will obtain for souls the abundant mercy of God; it will withdraw the hearts of men from the love of the world and its vanities, and will lift them to the desire for Eternal Things. Oh, that souls would sanctify themselves by this means. 5) The soul which recommends itself to me by the recitation of the Rosary shall not perish. 6) Whosoever shall recite the Rosary devoutly, applying himself to the consideration of its Sacred Mysteries shall never be conquered by misfortune. God will not chastise him in His justice, he shall not perish by an unprovided death; if he be just he shall remain in the grace of God, and become worthy of Eternal Life. 7) Whoever shall have a true devotion for the Rosary shall not die without the Sacraments of the Church. 8) Those who are faithful to recite the Rosary shall have during their life and at their death the Light of God and the plenitude of His Graces; at the moment of death they shall participate in the Merits of the Saints in Paradise. 9) I shall deliver from purgatory those who have been devoted to the Rosary. 10) The faithful children of the Rosary shall merit a high degree of Glory in Heaven. 11) You shall obtain all you ask of me by recitation of the Rosary. 12) All those who propagate the Holy Rosary shall be aided by me in their necessities. 13) I have obtained from my Divine Son that all the advocates of the Rosary shall have for intercessors the entire Celestial Court during their life and at the hour of death. 14) All who recite the Rosary are my Sons, and brothers of my Only Son Jesus Christ. 15) Devotion to my Rosary is a great sign of predestination.
How can we go wrong here? ;)
So there you have it -- a very important part of my day-- the Holy Rosary.

Prayer of Thanks

Thank you for the obstacles that are put in my path because it makes me cling to you even more. I realize that I am not able to handle everything on my own and that you are more than willing to meet me halfway or even take on the burden if I simply ask for your help. You never give me more than I can handle and you never leave me without the sweetness of your grace and mercy. You know exactly what I need before I ask even though sometimes I forget that!

Thank you for turning my anger this morning into forgiveness and releasing me from those bonds of bitterness and anger, and allowing me to go on with my day without my heart being full of the need for revenge. I have no doubt that whatever happens on earth will be dealt with by you when the day comes, so there's no point in me wasting my time dwelling on it. There are things that are beyond my control, but nothing is beyond yours!

I stop and think about the many blessings that you send my way each and every day - all of the smiles, all of the kind words, all of the wonderful friends who have such huge hearts, the silliness, the love that surrounds me, and most of all, your love and forgiveness. All of the greatest things in my life come from you.

There are days, like today, when it isn't easy. I stumble and I fall, but you never leave me. When all else fails, you never fail me. When I feel like I'm at my lowest, you are there with a loving embrace, ready to lift me up and give me wings to soar. Your love, mercy and goodness are infinite!

Blessings

I am truly so blessed beyond what I deserve. Each day, no matter what happens, there is always at least one blessing that was unexpected. I was so angry and upset on Thursday about something, but by the end of the day, I was fine with it. I was talking to my Mama about it over the phone and found myself saying, "It's going to be fine." Really? It's going to be fine? Where did that even come from considering ten minutes before that, the first words out of my mouth before I even said hello were, "Mama, please tell me that my head is NOT about to explode!" Our sweet and wonderful Lord has a way of calming that fire down inside, doesn't He? As soon as the words, "it's going to be fine" left my mouth, I truly believed that they would be. God has never let me down before. I have said it over and over again that my main issue is my lack of patience in these matters. If it's something that upsets me, it's like I take leave of my senses temporarily and have no patience at all. God is probably looking down on me, shaking His head and wondering, "Where is your faith, girl?" It reminds me a lot of Mark 4:40 where it says, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" I have no doubt that God is testing my patience because He knows that this is a major thing I need to work on right now.

I had such a wonderful surprise last night. I found out that a friend of mine had gifted me with a paid subscription to a website that I use frequently because my subscription had expired the day before. He told me he could afford to do so and that he was happy to do it because he enjoyed reading the things I wrote, that there were no strings attached and not to even think about paying him back, it was a gift. To say my heart was bursting with his thoughtful gesture would be an understatement. I am so thankful for people like him who are in my life, who do things out of the kindness of their hearts. It helps me to strive to be more like them. They are wonderful reminders of God's love for us and the love we should have for each other!

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the many blessings that you bring to my life. Help me to stay patient and strong in times of adversity and weakness. Thank you for staying by my side even when I don't always do the right things. Please continue to work on me and help me to be a better person in all ways so that all that I do may glorify You. Amen.

Moving Forward

Last night, I sat down and wrote my brother a four-page letter (he's in jail for a while... he has time to read that sorta stuff!). Those of you who've been following me for a while know that we have a REALLY strained relationship and have for years. I truly believe that God had a hand in all of this because as I sat down to write, there was no anger anymore, no bitterness, just me writing a letter to my brother, letting him know that we are here for him when he gets out. I tried to explain that he needs to get himself straightened out, get a job (a LEGIT one this time!) that he can have pride in and hold his head up and THEN he can find a good girl to settle down with. Right now, he's falling for these women who are as messed up as he is and they just keep each other from moving forward and trying to do better. I told him that I love him and that I hated the feud between us, that we've had a lot of family gatherings that I wished he'd been a part of if he'd had his act together because he can be so funny and wonderful when he's not being shady. Afterward, I called my mom and told her about it. She said that my letter could be what helps him to turn around because he's thought for a long time now that I truly hated him, and if he gets that letter of support and encouragement, it may make him really think about things, about changing, when he is released. I sure hope so.

He's actually been made a trustee at the jail so he's happy that he at least has things to do during the day to make the hours pass a little more quickly, and he gets extra food and snacks for the help that he does. That's much better than sitting in the cell, crying on the phone for our Mama to sell her soul to get him out!

Hope everyone has a great day and that God does something great in your life today!

Patience

It's been a long four days with Dylann being so sick. She's had so many prayers offered up for her and I know that God is listening. We just have to be patient. I've been praying the rosary several times during the day and night and I know that is helping. After so many days of seeing her miserable and in tears from the pain and from throwing up, it was such a blessing to see her SMILING and LAUGHING earlier! I'd brought a chair in to sit beside her bed and try to catch up on some sleep and she woke up and gave me this incredulous look like, "What in the world are you doing here?" I explained what I was doing and she kept giving me that look. So I popped off with something sarcastic and silly and the next thing I knew, she was just cracking herself up with things that weren't even all that funny to ME, but they were obviously hysterical to her, LOL. She ate a little bit of something and now she's in the bath, hopefully warming up those achy muscles and getting to feel a little better.

The outpouring of love and prayers were her has been overwhelming. I am so thankful that God has brought such amazing people into my life, people who are there to give me strength when things like this happen. There is nothing worse than seeing your child sick and in pain and not knowing what to do about it. I know that God is in control and that perhaps this is just a lesson in patience for Dylann and I both.

Prayer Really Works

Sister left a comment on my FB this morning about how this "prayer thing" must really work -- ya think so? :P I have really been trying to pray a lot lately and it has filled me with so much PEACE and contentment that it is even amazing the people around me a little bit. Just this morning, middle sis did something that I normally would have gotten very irritated about but I just laughed it off and made jokes about it while I was telling my mom, and she said, "Wow, you're taking this really well!" I guess it's the little things that I can tell God is working on with me. Life is too short to really dwell on silly things when they just aren't that important in the big picture.

I have been praying the Liturgy of the Hours for the past week now and it has REALLY helped. If you surround yourself with prayer and the knowledge that God is always with you, walking you through the day, you don't have a lot of time to spend worrying about things that are beyond your control. The kids have been good about giving me the 10-15 minutes that I need throughout the day to say the prayers, so that has been a big help.

I just wish that all people could see how generous God is when they truly believe and pray for Him to provide for what they need. I have no doubt that all of the things happening in the past couple of days have been blessings from God and not just mere coincidence.

God is good all the time; all the time, God is good! :o)

Doing Too Much

It's been a long week thus far and I'm still trying to just muddle through without having a breakdown. :o) In all seriousness, my main issues this week have been just the constant feeling of being let down, of feeling overwhelmed and taken for granted. I don't hardly ever get any "me" time to recuperate from babysitting all hours of the day and night, seven days a week. It's very taxing on the mind and body as well because by the time I get to bed, I'm so exhausted that I can't sleep (if that makes any sense). Then I get up early the following morning and start all over. The work week never ends. If someone has a day off during the week, I'm still watching a different child that day, so I don't get that day off. Weekends I'm almost always working. Five more weeks and I can make a change. I won't be babysitting during the school year and I won't volunteer my babysitting services next summer because I'd like one summer where I'm not having to stay home. It's my own fault, I made committments thinking that I'd be able to get out and do fun stuff with the kids but because of money or other circumstances, we can't do it.

I made a "Give It To God" box today to help me stay focused and remember who is in control. Every time something worries me, I write it down and put it in the box. I pray on it and then let God do with it what He will. There's no point in me keeping it all inside and dwelling over it, especially if I've done all I can and cannot change anything else in the situation. I have to give it to God, and sometimes I forget that. I want to try and do everything on my own, and I can't, and it makes me frustrated. I'm hoping that by putting the box in a prominent place in the apartment and explaining its use, that the kiddos will feel free to use it as well. At the end of the week, I take all of the pieces of paper out (without reading them of course!) and toss them and start over on Sunday. Hopefully, it'll help me to remember to pray on things more and to be thankful as well! I believe that God hears all of our prayers, all of the time, and He DOES answer them. The answer may not always be the one we want, and sometimes we may not even notice that our prayers have been answered because we're so focused on what WE want that we overlook what God has blessed us with instead. I've found that when I leave it up to Him, He blesses me with far more than I asked for and the end result is infinitely better than what I would have thought of! :o)

God is good all the time; all the time, God is good!

Gossip

"Do not let your hearts be troubled."

I've had to repeat this verse a lot this morning. I have anxiety, and sometimes it hits me without warning and without reason. This doesn't do a whole lot to help me deal with it! I like knowing what I'm anxious or upset about, but sometimes it just hits like a nagging thought that you're supposed to be doing something and you can't recall what it was, or you have SO much to do that you suddenly feel overwhelmed and can't get started at all. I'm feeling better, but anxiety isn't the best thing to wake up to in the morning!

I have started doing a lot more prayers in the evenings. It's funny how easily I can let God fall to the wayside. I will curl up on the couch in the evenings and turn on the television and just chill out, rotting my brain cells by watching two or three hours of television before bed. Imagine how much better our lives would be if we committed that much time to God each day! I don't mean just thinking about God once in a while and stopping to pray to Him every time we needed a favor, but really and truly committing time to really speak to Him from our hearts. God knows what we need before we even know that we need it. He knows our circumstances before they ever appear in our lives. All we have to do is ask Him to let US know what He wants us to do. So often we're determined to do things our way, we have this set plan of action, and then we turn around and ask God to help us because we fail miserably. Sometimes God shows us exactly what to do, He puts it on our hearts exactly the way it needs to be done, and we still refuse to listen. I am very guilty of this and it's something I'm working on. God has a lot of work to do with me. Sometimes I feel like I'm that rebellious child all over again, thinking I have all the answers and my way is so obviously the best way. I pray that He will shut my mouth and open my heart so that I do the right things!

One of my big things to work on right now is to STOP RUNNING OFF AT THE MOUTH. I cannot stand a gossip, and yet, so often I find myself speaking without even thinking about someone to someone else. Would I like it if all my business was being spread around? Of course not. The truth is, so often it's easier to spread around someone's faults and weaknesses and drama than it is to keep your mouth closed, or better yet, find POSITIVE things to say about this person instead. Gossip is a vicious cycle -- you say something about someone, and the one you say it to adds to it, and before long it's a ridiculous circle of judgment and ugliness. "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God." I will continue to work on this. It's a hard cycle to break, but me 'n' God are gonna take it one day at a time.

Forgiveness

Last night, as I said my bedtime prayers, I let go of something that I'd been holding onto for years. I asked God to give me the grace to TRULY let go of the anger, resentment and bitterness that I'd been holding against my father for as long as I can remember. Holding onto it only caused me pain, not my father. I don't know that he sees he's ever done anything wrong to me and my sisters, but the truth of the matter is, we dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from him for years. I don't know why he did it. I may never know why. I know his own mother treated him poorly and they haven't spoken in years, which is sad because I cannot even begin to imagine how huge the hole in my heart would be if I didn't talk to my own mother for any length of time. I remember last year when we'd had a quarrel and didn't speak for a week and it dang near killed me! I felt so empty without her. Granted, we still quarrel but I try not to let it get to that point. I love her too much.

So, as I was saying, I chose to forgive my father. I can't go back in time and change things. I can't change him NOW. I can pray for him. I can hope that in time we will have a good relationship instead of a forced one. I can hope that it doesn't happen on his deathbed. I'm sure that he and I both missed out on some good qualities in each other over the years. My sisters and I are good girls. We may have had some rebellious tendencies, but never anything really bad, and we outgrew it. I guess a part of why I am so hurt by my father's actions is because I had this picture of the ideal family and mine is so far from it that it's almost painful. But there is still love here, even amidst the arguments and discord on occasion - I love my mother, my sisters and I know deep down I have love for my father. I try to remember things we did together that I enjoyed like taking the family out on the weekends and traveling down old dirt roads to look at old churches and cemeteries and animals. Or listening to him playing the guitar and singing. I believe it was through him that I got my love of rock 'n' roll. ;) And then there was the one time where I truly felt loved by him and that was in high school when I'd gotten assaulted by a classmate and he, for the first time in his life, I think (and I know the first time in MINE), stood up for me and took me to the police station to file a report. He stood beside me, without my mom or anyone else. Just he and I. I will never forget that.

Thank you, God, for giving me the grace and strength to forgive and let go. There will be days when it isn't so easy to do, but I know that I can be honest with You and not be afraid of what You tell me to do!

Unexpected Prayers

This morning while doing my morning prayers, I found myself unexpectedly praying for my brother. I know that God was reaching out to me at that point and letting me know that I needed to reach out on behalf of my brother because of all the chains that have hold of him right now. I wasn't planning to pray for him at all; we have had some major issues with each other for the past several years, but apparently, God had other plans for me this morning! Afterward, I realized that not only is my brother being worked over by the evil one, but so am I. I am because I allow this anger and resentment have control over me and the next thing I know, there's drama. Granted, in my heart I'm trying to stand up for my mother because I'm tired of her being stepped on and manipulated by things that my brother does, but it doesn't change the end result. This morning I prayed for God to give me the grace to deal with this situation better than I have been, and also that He gives both of my parents the strength to do what needs to be done.

I have *GOT* to learn to keep my focus on God instead of myself. Here lately I have been getting so easily frustrated by people's selfishness and rudeness and in turn, without even realizing it until it's too late, I have been reacting to it with selfishness and rudeness. Where does that get me? Nowhere. At the end of my day, I feel horrible, drained, heavy-hearted because I never intentionally set out to make my loved ones feel bad. I'm tired of making them feel that way, and I'm tired of making MYSELF feel that way as well. All I can say is that today is a new day, and a new start, and God has blessed me with His word and I know what He expects of me. Now to put it in action!

Toxic People

I have been so out of sorts lately and I know that it's because my brother was once again released from jail without really having to pay for what he's done. A week and a half is a slap on the wrist, considering. This is what always happens -- he commits crimes with no sense of remorse, he gets picked up and then gets a slap on the wrist while people scramble to get him out of trouble again. As soon as he gets out, he's right back up to no good again even though people around him swear they aren't going to let that pattern continue. They do it every time. Tough love flew out the window years ago, and now he's grown into a "man" (I use that term loosely) who makes horrible choices and has seemingly little to no consequences for his actions.

I get so tired of hearing about him, period. I have prayed over it time and time again, but he just feels like such a toxin in my life. I know that I'm wrong in holding on to this anger and resentment, but I can't seem to release it and it frustrates me to no end! Anger over him and his life does me no good. In fact, it's detrimental to everything I'm trying to accomplish, all the ways I'm trying to change myself and my life for the better. So why do I still hold that anger? Why is it so hard to let go of?

Forgiveness is a conscious act. It isn't something that just magically happens. And I have forgiven him for what he has done in the past as far as ruining family gatherings, driving a huge wall between my relationship with my mother for several years (to the point of us fighting constantly and me not being able to trust her anymore), and everything else that he'd done. But when is enough, enough? Do I ever get to say, "OK, that's it - not forgiving you anymore, pal"? No, I don't think that in God's eyes, I can ever forgive enough. But it's hard and at this point almost impossible.

I'll keep praying on it...

I'm Too Blessed To Be Stressed!

God has been truly working in my life an awful lot lately. He has been removing some "friends" who I realized were no longer friends, and in their place, He has put wonderful, strong, loving Christian people. And you know what else? For every one "friend" that I lost, three more have taken their place. So I really haven't lost, I have GAINED threefold! He has brought old friends back into my life with a new and improved attitude, and I am so thankful. These are people I have truly missed having around! I am reminded of the old saying that every time God closes a door, He opens a window. This is so true. He always makes a way. He never leads you TO it if he isn't going to lead you THROUGH it.

I am continuing to pray for a lot of people these days. For my daughter to strengthen her faith most of all. She's at an age where everything is questioned and she has a hard time sometimes knowing where to stand. Plus, I haven't been the best example of a good Christian in the past. I've made a lot of mistakes. I just hope that she realizes that once you give your heart to Christ (which she has done), HE doesn't walk away. HE doesn't give up on us. HE doesn't stop believing in us even if we stop believing in Him. It's a lot like... when you have a child. No matter what that child does, you never stop loving them. You never stop hoping for the best. You never shut them out completely. You never walk away from them. It's the same with God. We are His children. He understands us when we're sad, or angry or confused. And it's okay to be sad, angry and confused even when you are a strong Christian! Let go of it, and let God handle it. It's okay to be angry at God for things -- vent away! He can take it, trust me! I read somewhere that whenever someone we love dies, the first one to cry isn't US... it's God. I believe that. I believe that He loves us SO much that to even try to measure it or explain it would be pointless. It's unending, forever and ever and ever. This... is what helps get me through sometimes. Knowing I'm not perfect, but God loves me anyway. Knowing that I can have doubts and God understands. Knowing that I'm going to screw up and make mistakes, and that if I am truly sorry and ask forgiveness, God WILL FORGIVE.

I can't stand it when people make God out to be an angry, horrible, judgmental God who only wants to sentence sinners. If God were really that way, He would never have sent Christ to suffer and die for us. We would have all suffered fates too horrible to mention. As it is, all throughout our lives, we have the chance to ask for forgiveness and make amends for things we do to offend God or to hurt each other. He gives us the chance to make things right. I denied Him and rejected Him for half of my life and now look! He blesses me every. single. day with amazing things and amazing people!

This morning I started saying a rosary for the souls in purgatory. It makes me feel good to pray for souls that have no one to pray for them. And I continue to say the "regular" rosary as well. I try to keep a running prayer list of people who have asked for prayers (and even those who haven't). I want everyone I know to know God and to allow Him to touch their hearts. When we all have our last day (and I'm not talking about the Rapture here), I want to be able to spend eternity with Christ and the saints and angels, and to have all of my friends and loved ones there with me! ;)

A Little Crushed In Spirit

I've committed myself to something tomorrow that TODAY, I don't feel like doing. Well, I don't feel like doing it TOMORROW. I'm just not in the correct mindset, I guess. I need to put things in perspective and figure out what I'm really irritated about. I guess that would be the fact that I don't like people assuming that I'll do things for them without them asking me first. Granted, I'd probably do them if they asked. But at least ASK.

I woke up around 5:00 this morning, grabbed my rosary from the headboard, laid in bed and prayed the rosary. It was beautiful, quiet and peaceful. There were no distractions, no noise, nothing to clutter my mind except my prayers. This is why I love the morning rosary. By the time I get out of bed, I feel amazing! Start the day off with prayer and you can't go wrong. ;)

I am continuing to try and be patient with my daughter and to pray for her. My sweet friend Kate pointed me in the direction of St. Monica as a good example of what I should do. I have realized that the more my daughter and I talk about Christ, the angrier she becomes because of the way she was treated in her last year of Christian school. She was ridiculed and embarrassed by both her teacher and the other students, and made to feel like she wasn't a Christian if she didn't subscribe to their EXACT beliefs within that school and particular church. She is holding on to that hurt and anger instead of trying to work through it and let it go. Sometimes I don't think people realize how their actions and words can turn people AWAY from Christ and have the opposite effect of what they want. This is why I'm going to try to bring my daughter back to Christ by prayers and actions instead of merely words.

It's been a long week -- thank God it's Friday! :o)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

There's been so much rain and yucky weather lately that the sunshine is such a blessing to see! And two days in a row, even! Wow! :o)

I have decided to give up wearing jeans and stick to wearing dresses and skirts. The more I read about it, the more I realize that women were MEANT to wear dresses, to dress like women and not men.

Deuteronomy 22:5:

A woman shall not wear man's clothing, nor shall a man put on a woman's clothing; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the LORD your God.

It's going to take some getting used to because I'm used to throwing on some jeans, a blouse and heading out the door. I know I have some wonderful friends who have chosen to follow Deuteronomy 22:5 and have for a while now, so I know I'm not alone! :o) I'm also going to do the head covering, and I've actually got a few things coming in the mail any day now, plus a pattern so I can learn to make my own as well. I'm looking forward to it!

I know that this is going to be a big adjustment, not just for me, but for my family and friends also. This is something new and so "not me". I'm the one who wears things too tight, doesn't mind having purple hair from time to time, etc. I just have to keep myself focused on the only thing that matters and that is being more concerned with what Christ wants me to do than what everyone else thinks I should do. I'm hoping that it rubs off on my daughter as well, but that will have to happen in her own time. A good friend of mine pointed out to me yesterday that I have to be patient with her just as Jesus had to be patient with me for a long time before I took his hand and really started following him. Patience is something I need to pray about because I sure don't have a lot of it sometimes!

In Sickness and in Health

I'm finally getting over the yuckiness that almost ended up as pneumonia. I rarely go to the doctor when I'm sick because I can always work through it, rest up, and get better. But this time, I knew something was wrong. I was coughing so hard, I think I cracked a rib or two, I couldn't breathe, and I was hearing strange noises coming from my lungs, so I knew I needed to make an appointment. The doctor said I almost waited too late because it was turning into pneumonia. Sooo... with antibiotics, cough medicine and an inhaler, I'm on the mend. Feeling much better today and I even have most of my voice back!!

A friend of mine chose to use my illness the other day as proof that God doesn't listen. She said that because I prayed and prayed (in between coughing and crying from the pain) and still had to go to the doctor anyway. When things like that happen, it doesn't make me believe that God wasn't listening. It makes me believe that God had another plan for me. I needed to slow down, touch base again with someone here on earth who takes good care of me, and stop being so afraid to go to the doctor when I need to. I think that if God was ignoring my prayers, He wouldn't have helped me to decide to go get help, and the sickness would have gotten so much worse. So, I do believe God heard me and answered me. It's frustrating when people who don't believe take moments like that and try to "win" their case that way.

Each day is a new day that I'm thankful for. All of the struggles, all of the joys, everything - I'm thankful for it. I'm not saying that I don't get angry or frustrated sometimes if things don't go the way I'd planned, but I know that God never promised that our lives were going to be perfect and easy all the time. There are things that really test my faith and times and I just don't feel very Christian-like. I just have to remember that none of us are perfect, we're all flawed, and God loves us anyway. We just have to take baby steps and admit when we've done something wrong, try to make amends, and work hard on NOT doing it again. That's where I have the problem, usually! :P

But... today is a gorgeous sunny day and I'm glad to be alive. May all that I do today glorify Him. :o)

Lead and I'll Follow

Sometimes it is extremely difficult to make a decision even though you know deep down what the decision should be. I'm at that point right now. Torn between doing what I feel obligated to do, and doing what is in my heart. Truth is, at the end of the day, my heart is hurting more than my feet, or my back, or my head. My heart isn't in this anymore. I can't pinpoint why. There is something missing, a link that isn't there, and I just can't seem to reach these children. I cannot do a job if my heart isn't in it, and that's pretty much the bottom line.

I know that whatever happens next is in God's hands. If I've taken a step away from the road I should be on, I pray He will lead me back to where I need to be. If I have yet to start on the correct path, I pray that our Lord will guide me there.

Frustration Comes So Easily

Whether it's because of lack of proper sleep or because I spend too much time crawling around on my knees picking up toys, or picking up kids all day long, I'm exhausted, my body hurts, and my patience is not what it should be.

I tried to pray the rosary today while the children were napping, but I couldn't keep my thoughts focused. My anxiety was getting the better of me. I waited until I got home to finish (or rather start over) because there's no point in saying the rosary without putting your heart into it.

I don't know what I'm going to do at this point. I feel like I need time just to get my body back in order because it seems like every day something else stops working properly or there's a new pain that wasn't there the day before. I don't want to seem like a hypochondriac. The pain is real. Carpal tunnel in my right arm keeps me up all night with the tingling and burning. The slightest stuff these days just depletes my energy. I don't know why. Like I said, I need to get myself together.

Heavenly Father, help me to remember to offer up my suffering instead of feeling sorry for myself and all of my aches and pains. Amen.

Love

This week has been long and rough. I was frustrated with so much. I prayed so often, every single morning, every single night, asking for some sort of relief. Everything seemed just too much to bear and it was taking its toll on me in more ways than one. I think that sometimes God answers in ways that we don't expect, so we think that our prayers have gone unanswered. But they were definitely answered, just not exactly in the way that I'd asked for.

I have to learn to be grateful for EVERY answered prayer, and to know that God is always hearing me, always helping me, and won't purposely allow me to suffer in vain in anything that I do. So... that pretty much sums up work!

Another issue I've been struggling with is my relationship with my sister, Charlotte. She frustrates me to no end because we don't see eye-to-eye on the way to do things. I have never been one to allow any one to walk all over me or treat me badly. I can be very kind, but if you treat me wrong, look out. When I see someone allowing themselves to be treated like that, it drives me to the brink of insanity and I get angry. I have GOT to stop doing that. Her life is her life, not mine. We don't do everything the same way. If I really think hard about it, Christ allowed people to treat Him badly as well. He suffered in silence. Sometimes I feel like the cross my sister carries is heavier than I can imagine. I certainly don't need to add any more weight to it. Lord, help me to love her the way she is and see the kindness and sweetness in her. Humble me and help me to let go of the unnecessary anger and replace it with love. Amen.

There is so much to work on in my life and I can't do it alone. Thank you, Lord, for being with me every step of the way.