Gossip

"Do not let your hearts be troubled."

I've had to repeat this verse a lot this morning. I have anxiety, and sometimes it hits me without warning and without reason. This doesn't do a whole lot to help me deal with it! I like knowing what I'm anxious or upset about, but sometimes it just hits like a nagging thought that you're supposed to be doing something and you can't recall what it was, or you have SO much to do that you suddenly feel overwhelmed and can't get started at all. I'm feeling better, but anxiety isn't the best thing to wake up to in the morning!

I have started doing a lot more prayers in the evenings. It's funny how easily I can let God fall to the wayside. I will curl up on the couch in the evenings and turn on the television and just chill out, rotting my brain cells by watching two or three hours of television before bed. Imagine how much better our lives would be if we committed that much time to God each day! I don't mean just thinking about God once in a while and stopping to pray to Him every time we needed a favor, but really and truly committing time to really speak to Him from our hearts. God knows what we need before we even know that we need it. He knows our circumstances before they ever appear in our lives. All we have to do is ask Him to let US know what He wants us to do. So often we're determined to do things our way, we have this set plan of action, and then we turn around and ask God to help us because we fail miserably. Sometimes God shows us exactly what to do, He puts it on our hearts exactly the way it needs to be done, and we still refuse to listen. I am very guilty of this and it's something I'm working on. God has a lot of work to do with me. Sometimes I feel like I'm that rebellious child all over again, thinking I have all the answers and my way is so obviously the best way. I pray that He will shut my mouth and open my heart so that I do the right things!

One of my big things to work on right now is to STOP RUNNING OFF AT THE MOUTH. I cannot stand a gossip, and yet, so often I find myself speaking without even thinking about someone to someone else. Would I like it if all my business was being spread around? Of course not. The truth is, so often it's easier to spread around someone's faults and weaknesses and drama than it is to keep your mouth closed, or better yet, find POSITIVE things to say about this person instead. Gossip is a vicious cycle -- you say something about someone, and the one you say it to adds to it, and before long it's a ridiculous circle of judgment and ugliness. "If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God." I will continue to work on this. It's a hard cycle to break, but me 'n' God are gonna take it one day at a time.

Forgiveness

Last night, as I said my bedtime prayers, I let go of something that I'd been holding onto for years. I asked God to give me the grace to TRULY let go of the anger, resentment and bitterness that I'd been holding against my father for as long as I can remember. Holding onto it only caused me pain, not my father. I don't know that he sees he's ever done anything wrong to me and my sisters, but the truth of the matter is, we dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from him for years. I don't know why he did it. I may never know why. I know his own mother treated him poorly and they haven't spoken in years, which is sad because I cannot even begin to imagine how huge the hole in my heart would be if I didn't talk to my own mother for any length of time. I remember last year when we'd had a quarrel and didn't speak for a week and it dang near killed me! I felt so empty without her. Granted, we still quarrel but I try not to let it get to that point. I love her too much.

So, as I was saying, I chose to forgive my father. I can't go back in time and change things. I can't change him NOW. I can pray for him. I can hope that in time we will have a good relationship instead of a forced one. I can hope that it doesn't happen on his deathbed. I'm sure that he and I both missed out on some good qualities in each other over the years. My sisters and I are good girls. We may have had some rebellious tendencies, but never anything really bad, and we outgrew it. I guess a part of why I am so hurt by my father's actions is because I had this picture of the ideal family and mine is so far from it that it's almost painful. But there is still love here, even amidst the arguments and discord on occasion - I love my mother, my sisters and I know deep down I have love for my father. I try to remember things we did together that I enjoyed like taking the family out on the weekends and traveling down old dirt roads to look at old churches and cemeteries and animals. Or listening to him playing the guitar and singing. I believe it was through him that I got my love of rock 'n' roll. ;) And then there was the one time where I truly felt loved by him and that was in high school when I'd gotten assaulted by a classmate and he, for the first time in his life, I think (and I know the first time in MINE), stood up for me and took me to the police station to file a report. He stood beside me, without my mom or anyone else. Just he and I. I will never forget that.

Thank you, God, for giving me the grace and strength to forgive and let go. There will be days when it isn't so easy to do, but I know that I can be honest with You and not be afraid of what You tell me to do!

Unexpected Prayers

This morning while doing my morning prayers, I found myself unexpectedly praying for my brother. I know that God was reaching out to me at that point and letting me know that I needed to reach out on behalf of my brother because of all the chains that have hold of him right now. I wasn't planning to pray for him at all; we have had some major issues with each other for the past several years, but apparently, God had other plans for me this morning! Afterward, I realized that not only is my brother being worked over by the evil one, but so am I. I am because I allow this anger and resentment have control over me and the next thing I know, there's drama. Granted, in my heart I'm trying to stand up for my mother because I'm tired of her being stepped on and manipulated by things that my brother does, but it doesn't change the end result. This morning I prayed for God to give me the grace to deal with this situation better than I have been, and also that He gives both of my parents the strength to do what needs to be done.

I have *GOT* to learn to keep my focus on God instead of myself. Here lately I have been getting so easily frustrated by people's selfishness and rudeness and in turn, without even realizing it until it's too late, I have been reacting to it with selfishness and rudeness. Where does that get me? Nowhere. At the end of my day, I feel horrible, drained, heavy-hearted because I never intentionally set out to make my loved ones feel bad. I'm tired of making them feel that way, and I'm tired of making MYSELF feel that way as well. All I can say is that today is a new day, and a new start, and God has blessed me with His word and I know what He expects of me. Now to put it in action!