Forgiveness

Last night, as I said my bedtime prayers, I let go of something that I'd been holding onto for years. I asked God to give me the grace to TRULY let go of the anger, resentment and bitterness that I'd been holding against my father for as long as I can remember. Holding onto it only caused me pain, not my father. I don't know that he sees he's ever done anything wrong to me and my sisters, but the truth of the matter is, we dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse from him for years. I don't know why he did it. I may never know why. I know his own mother treated him poorly and they haven't spoken in years, which is sad because I cannot even begin to imagine how huge the hole in my heart would be if I didn't talk to my own mother for any length of time. I remember last year when we'd had a quarrel and didn't speak for a week and it dang near killed me! I felt so empty without her. Granted, we still quarrel but I try not to let it get to that point. I love her too much.

So, as I was saying, I chose to forgive my father. I can't go back in time and change things. I can't change him NOW. I can pray for him. I can hope that in time we will have a good relationship instead of a forced one. I can hope that it doesn't happen on his deathbed. I'm sure that he and I both missed out on some good qualities in each other over the years. My sisters and I are good girls. We may have had some rebellious tendencies, but never anything really bad, and we outgrew it. I guess a part of why I am so hurt by my father's actions is because I had this picture of the ideal family and mine is so far from it that it's almost painful. But there is still love here, even amidst the arguments and discord on occasion - I love my mother, my sisters and I know deep down I have love for my father. I try to remember things we did together that I enjoyed like taking the family out on the weekends and traveling down old dirt roads to look at old churches and cemeteries and animals. Or listening to him playing the guitar and singing. I believe it was through him that I got my love of rock 'n' roll. ;) And then there was the one time where I truly felt loved by him and that was in high school when I'd gotten assaulted by a classmate and he, for the first time in his life, I think (and I know the first time in MINE), stood up for me and took me to the police station to file a report. He stood beside me, without my mom or anyone else. Just he and I. I will never forget that.

Thank you, God, for giving me the grace and strength to forgive and let go. There will be days when it isn't so easy to do, but I know that I can be honest with You and not be afraid of what You tell me to do!